Congratulations, you’re pregnant…now don’t tell anyone!
That’s right, I said don’t tell anyone. That is, of course, until you reach the coveted 12 week (or 3 month) mark.
I can’t remember just how many times I was told this, but I can remember that the only thing that I wanted to do when we found out that I was pregnant was tell everyone! Shaheed too – we just couldn’t wait to share our news; our two little big surprises as we called it.
Although – I guess if I really think about it, I can understand why so many people were quick to tell us this. Even the books I read suggested waiting – but even with all the risk and uncertainty surrounding a pregnancy in those early weeks, I knew that keeping it a secret just wasn’t going to happen.
Not because I can’t keep a secret – I can, if you want to share anything with me!
It wasn’t going to happen because Shaheed and I didn’t want it to. Simple as that. We are huge believers in sharing. We are equally big believers in living life the best way we know how. By being us. By living the way we want to live. In fact, we believe this so much that we created a YouTube channel to share things – not only with each other, but with the world as well.
Let me just stop there for a second and say that again. We have a YouTube channel. Wooh – shameless plug!
So we shared.
And thank goodness for that – because a few weeks later – we needed a little support.
Shaheed and I were sitting in my OBGYN’s medical rooms going through a routine check-up. After discussing the questions we had brought with us and taking my blood pressure, we ended our meeting the way we always ended our meetings – by listening to the heartbeats.
We anxiously waited to hear the fast thump, thump, thump of Baby A’s heart and only slightly slower whoosh, whoosh, whoosh of Baby B’s heart. (Think ball and racquet…I’m totally growing athletes, right?)
It was the most exciting part of our appointments and each time.
Except this time it wasn’t. This time, we only heard one.
I remember holding my breath almost immediately. And it seemed like my OBGYN was holding hers too – but I am (and was) probably imaging it. She hesitated only briefly before trying a different spot and angle.
But still no heart beat.
My heart sank. Shaheed’s did too.
Without her even telling us, we both knew it was Baby B. We knew because I hadn’t felt Baby B move all that much the previous couple of days.
I told myself to stop thinking those thoughts the same moment my OBGYN said to stop worrying – because, well, there were a 100 possible reasons that we didn’t hear the heartbeat. And not all of them ended in the worst case scenario that our minds immediately began exploring.
She mentioned things like poor equipment, the baby’s position in the uterus, the baby’s position in relation to the other baby, and it still being too early in the pregnancy. I’m sure there were other reasons too but I’ll admit, I didn’t register any more.
I barely even heard these reasons because I couldn’t think of anything else except for the pain I would inevitably feel (and had already started to feel) if we lost Baby B. I cued back in when she said “emergency ultrasound”. Though a quick appointment was a good thing, all I could think of was “great, she went from don’t worry to emergency…EMERGENCY.” And the worst part was that I couldn’t even schedule it. I had to wait for them to call me.
And here’s where we shared again.
While we waited for the phone call, we told our families and our closest friends about our appointment with my OBGYN. Without hesitation, they all offered love, support, prayers, and positive energy.
They each also took from me a small part of my worry and grief. My worry became our worry, and my grief became our grief – and before I even knew it, I started comforting them by saying things like “don’t worry,” “I’m sure its nothing!” and “It will all be okay!”
Somehow, all of these conversations made our situation bearable. Whatever happened at this point, it would be okay because we were not alone.
I’m going to ease your mind here – and my mind too (because lets be honest, reliving this wasn’t easy) – and say right away that everything did in fact turn out to be okay. Oblivious to why I was even there for an ultrasound, my technician happily reported seeing two babies and hearing two heartbeats.
I exhaled so hard I even caught myself by surprise. I didn’t even realize I had been holding my breath. Even though I had rationalized the situation and explored every possible outcome, experiencing it was very different.
But alas – and so so so fortunately – everything was normal again and with only a little hitch, the journey continued.
And thanks to all the support we’ve had from day one, from the day the journey began, we were never alone.