Embracing the ifs, and, and buts of being a mom

Remember how I said that motherhood can be overwhelming?

Well…I stand by it. It is.

Being a Mama is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. My brain is constantly buzzing with thoughts, images, and ideals of perfect parenting but also with fears and doubts, and of course, the seemingly never ending, monotonous reality that is my daily life. There is always something to do, to learn, to try, to be.

There is literally so much to think about that I often lose myself in my own thoughts. Scratch that, I don’t just lose myself, I lose everything: my keys, my phone, the diaper bag…

I mean, not only am I responsible for keeping these tiny little babies alive, I am also responsible for everything in their waking lives! And no, I’m not just talking about what they wear either – though they are really fun to dress! I’m talking about what they eat, what they see, how they lie, where they sleep, when they sit, how they walk, if they can talk, and so on and so forth.

Then I remember that I have two. Rinse and repeat, right? Sometimes, that is literally my life. If the reality of having twins (and/or being a first time mom) alone didn’t make me feel overwhelmed, then adding on the mountain of diapers, or the logistical circus act of leaving the house surely did.

It is in those moments of feeling overwhelmed where I – and many other moms I’m sure – am faced with a decision. We stand at a crossroads of sorts.

Give in, or take it all in.

I could choose to stay home, in my little bubble, or I could choose to brave the world and face whatever comes my way.

It may not sound like a big deal to you – to go out or not – but to me it was. To me, it wasn’t just whether I would go out today or tomorrow, it was whether I would go out, period.  It was about whether I would dream of the life I wanted or live the life I wanted.

Despite having to manage two at the same time, I chose (and continue to choose) to live the life I had so excitedly envisioned. And even though there have been a lot of times that I haven’t been able to do what I wanted – because sometimes even two hands just aren’t enough hands – there have been many more times where I have done even more than what I thought was even possible.

And it’s not because I am more capable than the next mom. It’s purely utterly, completely, and simply because I do one thing. My motto for life so to say. One baby, or two, I have actively chosen to embrace all of life’s  ifs, ands, and buts.

At it’s very core, this means that I am willing to try. Try new things, try new adventures, try new ratios (ie- one of me and two of them). I am willing to try even though there is a very real chance that one or both of my monkeys will have an absolute meltdown.

Because, guess what?

Even though babies and toddlers sometimes do that, sometimes they don’t. Sometimes they are perfectly chill and so enthralled by all the new stimulation they are being exposed to that they are perfectly content to go along with the adventure and play nice.

It might be easier for me to say this, because up until last week (at the doctor’s office) at 13.5 months, my boys haven’t had a freakout in public. Then again, that might just mean a big one is coming.

Even so, I am ready for it. If life can be unpredictable, then surely it’s okay for babies to be too. And that’s exactly what I tell them. From the first day we came home from the hospital, to now (yes, I still do it), I verbally tell them that it’s okay for them to cry. It’s okay for them to yell. It’s okay for them to tell me that something is wrong – even if it’s just that they don’t like where they are.

“If today is the day (that you have that major meltdown), then today is the day” And so far, that day hasn’t come.

And no, I didn’t just write this to gloat. I wrote this to say that I am so so so happy that I chose (and choose) to live like this because it has allowed me to try so many new things that maybe I wouldn’t have otherwise. It was a complete shock that I was having twins, but having two really hasn’t done much to change the vision I had for mamahood. And with so many doubts, opinions, and setbacks that accompany said motherhood – and parenting in general –  I have to say that being able to confidently try new things is a huge win.

So Mamas, I hope you find your confidence, your stride, your wins, because there is a whole world out there and we would love to see you enjoying every bit of it (even with a screaming toddler).

After all, what really is the worse thing that could happen? 

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P.S. – In case you were wondering, here is a list of some of the things I have done alone:

• Story-time
• Play gyms
• Short drives to local parks to meet up with friends
• Long drives to visit friends, see dad, run errands
• Neighbourhood walks
• Doctor/Specialist/Hospital visits
• Mall trips

It may not be the most exciting things, but it has certainly been our everything to be able to leave the house and explore the world around us.